Over-inflated Balls

The RWC have today made a historic representation to the IRB regarding proposed changes to the playing area used by the quarter finalists in future competitions.

Changes have occurred to the pitch before, most noticeably the ‘decimalisation’ of the dimensions in the seventies. The change from ‘the 25 yard line’ to the ‘22’ caused minor problems for groundsmen and some reserved embarrassment for radio and television commentators.

But the new proposals could throw the game into turmoil as the RWC has suggested changes to match the pattern of developments within recent competitions.

‘It is proposed to simplify the markings and streamline them to match the playing styles and game patterns modern rugby demands. We are going to suggest these changes and altering the posts to one continuous net.’ said a spokesman last night, just after England’s win over the hosts, France, in what one observer has described as ‘the most boring and turgid pile of shoite I have ever had the displeasure of watching since the Rowlands game.’

The game in question was Wales v England when the Welsh scrum half, Clive Rowlands, kicked with such predictable accuracy that the laws were changed to prevent direct kicks to touch outside the 25.

The English press will no doubt hail last night’s win 'an Heroic Victory' and cite the 'Spirit of the Blitz' but to any non-English (or non- French, for that matter) fans, it was a waste of a game. Indeed the parallels with the blitz were apt as the game degenerated into a dour, merciless indiscriminate aerial bombardment the likes of which should be banned under the Geneva Convention.

The two men responsible for the dullness of the game are now, in a bizarre twist, being charged with bringing the game into disrepute and are in some quarters being accused of sabotage on behalf of rugby league. Accusations against the two defence coaches of ‘match killing’ are making the rounds in some circles. Mike Ford for England and David Ellis for France are both ex-rugby league players and are now in the centre of a storm over alleged sabotage of the Union code’s premier tournament.

These rumours will make the proposed changes to the pitch area even more controversial and will lead to some heated debate before and after tonight’s other quarter final between South Africa and Argentina. A game that neutrals hope will resort to the principles espoused by William Web Ellis, namely a handling game. The trophy of the RWC is, after all, named after the Rugby schoolboy who dared to run with the (allegedly) over-inflated ball in his hands.

Who tonight, we wonder, will have the courage to try the same?