Good to be back. Hello. Did you miss me when I was away? Did you kiss my picture every day? Hello!
Ohhh how tired am I? It is always the same this time of year: reports to write, sports day's, work to complete, children getting tired, hot and fractious, grown-ups getting tired, hot and fractious. Every bugger getting tired, hot and fractious. What is needed is a cool head and a clear whistle. I have recently purchased a replacement for my trusty but rusty made in taiwan number. I have bought... wait for it...
an ACME Thunderer! Oh, the joy, the clarity, the weight, the simple-and-elegant design! What a whistle.
An elderly ref told me about the ACME Thunderer. He recommended it because it had a narrow aperture leading to a well manufactured barrel giving a clear and immediate peep. Not too whiney or shrill, just authoritative and loud. He recommended it as it could be heard above the melee of a ruck combined with the screams of abuse from the touchlines (including, he warned us, suggestions as to what may be done with one's whistle - harsh but anatomically just about possible). Ken also suggested a longer-than-normal lanyard attached to the whistle. This, he maintained, gave plenty of cord for you to wrap around the wrist and thumb to give you a good grip during games and the duty doctor in casualty a firm grip to remove it from the afore-hinted-at orifice when one had incensed the crowd just a tad too much...
And there we have the essential difference between your rugby ref and a football referee; the crowd will be a rugby ref's biggest problem whereas your football ref has, apparently, to take it from all sides, from players, officials and crowd alike.
Now I know it is a hackneyed and somewhat trite observation, but what the hell are football authorities waiting for?! If a rugby ref took the field to oversee a football match, I guarantee (after the some initial confusion about arm actions for line-ou.. sorry, throw-ins) that the game would go one of two ways:
1. one player off within 6 minutes after daring to question a decision and the game then proceeding delightfully;
2. twelve players off within 6 minutes for rushing up to the ref and being all cheeky and stuff about a sending off and the game then proceeding delightfully.
Do you see the common theme? Yup, the game going delightfully. Admittedly in option 2, the players would be too exhausted to speak, let alone swear or even rush within 30 foot of the ref, but the game's the thing.
Apparently there has been some footy tourney been played in Belgium or somwhere the last couple of weeks. Saw some of the games and quite enjoyed a few. Especially the ones reffed by a Mexican. The look of complete disdain he gave to anyone stupid enough to dive was pure Noel Coward - acidic. He obviously thought that his yellow card was to be used for... well, a foul that merited it, actually. I swear I saw him make that funny little two-handed jumping puppy gesture that footballers use to imply 'a bit of a dive there perhaps, ref'. Well, now if he fancies to ref the CHSOB v Rocks 2nd's game come September, he's got my vote.
I know ultimately it comes down to what kind of person you are as to how a game pans out. That applies if you are a player or a ref, naturally; but I do think the idea of a ref being beyond question in anything other than civil tones (and then from only one player - the team captain) gives a ref the confidence and space to explain what he wants from the players and why he has done what he has done. I think that hassling a ref should be a mandatory red card, a punch in the chops* and a penalty-spot-kick, regardless of where the offence took place. THAT would sort it out.
But, more importantly - what a bloody brilliant head butt! Belter. Blackwood 2nds would sign him up on the spot. And it was the only time in the whole comp. that an Italian went down with just cause.
But don't start me off on the subject of diving. Oh, lawks a mercy, don't...
And I don't care what sport it is; stamping on a fella's conkers Just Isn't On. Fatty.
*as my wife says - there you go again, you make a good point and then go and take it just too far and spoil it for all of us, don't you? why do I bother taking you out to bingo if all you can do is argue with the caller - its embarrassing and annoying for everyone and it ruins the game and now my mother is looking at you and if you're not careful I'm going... ahem. anyway. you get the idea.